Don't Copy, if you can't Paste...!

A famous inspirational speaker said :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife. "

Audience was in shock and silence.

He added : "She was my mother"

(A big round of pause & laughter)

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife "

Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker.

.
.
.

By the time he gained his senses,
he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water !!!

Moral : Don't Copy, if you can't Paste...

Cutest Proposal Ever & Funny

Boy: I have a big question and I am hoping you can give me the answer?

Girl: What is it ?

Boy: You see most part of our body has a pair right? Without each one our body is unbalanced!!

Ex: hands,eyes,ears ,legs,lungs,kidney etc?

Girl: so ? whats the question?

Its So Funny

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

How a Professor explained Marketing Concepts to a class

This is how a Professor explained Marketing Concepts to a class:

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"

- That's Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich.Marry him!"

- That's Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can I marry you?"

- That's Brand Recognition.

POOR SMITH

Smith Finished work on Friday and decided to give any lady that came his way a lift. 

After the 2nd turn from office, he saw a nun and gave her a lift.

While they were going he did not know how to start a conversation with her, therefore, he placed his hand on her laps pretending if it was a gear stick.

The sister softly said Mathew7:7' , he quickly removed his hand, and resume concentrating on his driving.

He attempted it the 2nd and 3rd time, and each time, she repeated, Mathew 7:7'. 

When the nun got to her destination, she opened the door and said to Smith, 'Youngman, the problem with you is that you don't read your Bible.

When Smith got home, he opened his Bible to MATHEW 7:7 which reads "ASK & IT SHALL BE GIVEN". Smith nearly cried.

After Few Months Later, Smith got married and on his wedding night he calls his father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.

Smith: so what do i do first?

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."

Hilarious

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me... You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. 

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you...”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. 

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. .. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to jail for contempt of court!!!

A Letter To President

A little boy wanted 10$ very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the 10$.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA..

So They decided to forward it to the President of the USA as a joke.

The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $10.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy,

and he did not want to spoil the kid.

The little boy was delighted with 7$, and decided to write a thank you note to God,


which read:

Dear God: 

Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that you sent it through the White House inWashington, D.C and those donkeys deducted $3 as tax ......."

Very Funny Little Mr.Bean

Little Mr.Bean in a new Secondary School

TEACHER : There will be an elementary science test next week.

Contrary to his nature, Little Mr.Bean reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business.

On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible.

QUESTION 1 : Looking at the leg of a bird write down its common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.

After about 20 min of frustration and not writing down anything,
Little Mr.Bean storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher.
 
Little Mr.Bean : Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!

TEACHER : What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name ?
Little Mr.Bean raises his trouser and points to his leg "you too, look at my leg and tell me my name, my surname, my house address, what tribe I come from...."

OLD MAN’S LAST TRIP TO WALMART

Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Fred, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm old and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

True Husband.. Its So Funny

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day,their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

Very Very Funny

A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop.

Not long after, A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is irritating me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would have put a rubber on YOUR Stick (Pen**s), we'd be sitting in the bus.

Very Very Funny.. Must Read & Share

Smith : Baby, I'm gonna tell you a story with 4 parts. Remember that, 4 parts!
 
Cameron : "Alright love...."
Smith : "Okay, I'm gonna start with part 1. There was a husband and a wife, they were driving to a campsite when they came upon a split road. The husband says "let's take the left one. "The wife says "I think we should take the right road." The husband slaps the wife across the face "who's driving, me or you ?" and they take the left path."
Cameron : Hahahahahahahahaha
Smith : Now i'm gonna tell you part 2. Once they get to the campsite the husband goes fishing so his wife can cook their dinner. He comes back and the wife says "good now I can cook fish soup for us to eat!" The husband says "but I wanna eat fried fish" The wife slaps the husband across the face and says "who's cooking me or you ?!" and they end up drinking fish soup.
Cameron : Oh crap! Hahahahahahahahahaha
Smith : Now I'm gonna tell you part 4
Cameron : What about part 3 ?
Smith : [Landed Cameron hot slap across the face] who's telling the story me or you!

(We'll update you as soon as we're able to stop the fight)

Funny Cuckooed

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' 

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with  that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh*t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Very Funny Gay & Drunken

A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife.She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

Unexpected Funny

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. 

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

“WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.

“MAN: “How much?

Satan vs Guy.. Funniest Conversation..

One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell!

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don’t have to worry about hangovers because you’re dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer—no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you’re dead anyway. What about drugs?

Hilarious Multitasking

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Dad's Coolest Reply

One Day Evening, Dad's Daughter walks up to him..

Daughter: Papa, I want to talk to you about something important. Do you have a few minutes now?

Dad- Whats tht?

Girl said: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I  am in India and he lives in Alaska.

We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now  we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.

I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy

PAPPU vs OBAMA

Pappu went to USA and had a Face to Face meeting with OBAMA

OBAMA : I want to show you how much advanced we are. Come with me, He takes him to a forest.

OBAMA : Dig the ground.

Pappu did it.

OBAMA : More….More… More …

Pappu went up to 100 Feet.

OBAMA : So now, try to search for something.

Pappu : I got a Wire.

OBAMA : You know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Pappu became frustrated. He invited OBAMA to Nigeria. That year.

OBAMA visited Nigeria.

Pappu : I want to show you our advancement. He takes OBAMA to a forest.

Pappu : Dig it.... OBAMA does.

Pappu : More…. More… More……

OBAMA goes upto almost 400 feet.

Pappu : Try to find something.

OBAMA tried.

Pappu : Did you get anything ?

OBAMA : No, there is nothing here.

Pappu : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago, we used to have WIRELESS mobile